A few days after I returned home from the Shamanic Retreat with Giselle I had a few visitors and I am sad to say that I did not handle it very well at all. Truth be told, I absolutely gave into fear and completely flipped out.
I went to sleep that night still trying to process all that had happened in the last few days. I hadn’t been sleeping well and this night was to be no different. Below is the email I sent to Giselle:
Well it’s about 1:30 am and I have to know, are there bad spirits that come to you in your dreams? I am totally freaked out right now.
I was sleeping and all of a sudden I heard a low humming noise and then I felt/saw something grabbing my right leg and stroking it. It was skinny like a small tree branch, but very tall, hard and rough. It was stooping over. Then it moved to my foot and started rubbing the bottom of my foot, lower part of foot only. It was rubbing with the palm of its hands. It’s fingers were really long and crooked. The hands reminded me of a tree branch. It was grey. I don’t recall seeing any facial features.
The previous post My Spiritual Rebirth – In the Sanctuary went over what transpired during my spiritual rebirth in the Sanctuary. Below I will try to explain what happened in the Spiritual Realm. I think without knowing it, I had set the stage for my rebirth to occur in this manner. Before heading up to see Giselle, I kept having this feeling that on September 29th I was going to step off a tall cliff. I even told people that was what I was feeling. As it turns out that is exactly what happened. Here is my story picking up from where I had my eyes closed and was breathing and visualizing.
It was very dark out as I walked up to the edge of cliff. I looked down and all I could see was darkness. There was a slight warm breeze. I wasn’t scared but was a little cautious. I turned and looked behind me. I can’t totally explain exactly what I saw but I think it was all representations of the old me. There were colorful distorted shapes floating around and trying to fight to reach me. I heard some low moaning. I just smiled, waved, said a quiet goodbye then turned back around and slowly stepped off the edge of the cliff.
I was actually amazed at how easy it seemed to be for me to take that leap into the unknown. I guess I was truly ready for this to happen.
The Spiritual Rebirth was just one part of the Shamanic Retreat that I did but it was a huge part. It is what has allowed the gigantic shift in my life and allowed me to truly be open to walking the path of a Shaman. Most importantly it brought happiness and passion into my life. I still have a long way to go but the rebirth laid the groundwork that will allow me to continue.
To prepare, to get me in the correct state of mind, body and soul to accept this rebirth, Giselle asked me to tell her about the feelings, emotions and all the negative aspects of my life that I wanted to get rid of. I struggled with that, particularly the anger that had been residing in me. I told Giselle I didn’t want to go there.
For most of the 3 years since my divorce, I had anger just building in me. I tried to ignore it but eventually the flood gates opened and I had a hard time containing it. I began to write and what I wrote truly terrified me. The thoughts I was having are not thoughts I am proud of or that I want to ever have again.
Giselle understood but she also knew that I needed to bring forth all of this stuff in order to have a successful rebirth. She instructed me to think about all of it and bring it up inside me. She said I didn’t have to voice anything but I needed to have it unburied in me. This would have been a great time for me to give up but I knew I needed to do this so if I had to face these things then so be it.
September 29, 2012 could have been just another average day in my life but the spirits had other ideas. It is true that things just aligned to help push me in the correct direction but I still had to take that leap of faith and make the decision to DO SOMETHING to change my life. It may have seemed like an easy decision but I was terrified.
I had no idea what to expect or what changes were going to take place. I knew I wanted to be happy and I knew things had to change both inwardly and outwardly, but the thought of letting go of my past and the person I had been for 43 years really scared the shit out of me.
With a determination that I didn’t even know I had, I faced those fears and consciously and willing stepped into the Sacred Heart Sanctuary to undergo a very intense, emotional, mysterious and wonderful transformation.
Giselle and I had talked a little about what was going to take place but as I said in an earlier post we were really going to let the spirits guide us. We knew at some point I would go through a spiritual rebirth but neither of us really knew how that would come about.
This is a continuation of Beginnings – Part 1, so you may want to read that post first.
When I got home and was talking to my sister, Tina, about the reading I mentioned how it would be terrific if I could spend some one on one time with Giselle. There was so much that I wanted to ask her and I knew she could help me make sense of everything I was going through. I also thought it would be great if she could be there with me for my spiritual rebirth.
I was unsure how to even go about this rebirth ceremony that Giselle had talked about. I didn’t want to do it alone but I also didn’t really want anyone that was close to me to be there for it. I’m not sure why that was, but I think I wanted no real reminders of who I was or of my past when I went to do this.
I was still reeling from all that I had been going through, all the crying I had been doing for such a long time and all that I had learned from my Sacred Stone Reading. This truly “feeling” stuff was not easy. I know Giselle had said it was a glorious thing but it was getting to me. I felt like I was losing my mind, or myself and in essence I guess I was. I decided to stop fighting it all and just go with the flow and let it all just wash through me.