I am still amazed at the way things work sometimes. I hope I never lose the amazement because it is a beautiful thing to witness.
I have been stating every morning something I am grateful for, but on Wednesday I forgot to do it.
Wednesday I had a bit of a breakdown. Ok it was more than a “bit of”, it was a BIG breakdown. I had some stuff buried deep down that decided to come on out and say, “Here I am”. A lot of emotions came along with this, like anger, pain, embarrassment etc, and I was overwhelmed, to say the least.
Lots of drama and craziness ensued as I am sad to say I did not handle any of it very well. I tried to really deal with it all once I got home from work but it just wasn’t in the cards, I guess. Emotionally exhausted, I finally gave up and just tried to sleep. Sleeping did not go well at all either, but it is what it is.
Thursday I still was full of all these emotions and really tired from lack of sleep, although I was better than I was on Wednesday. I did remember to state what I was grateful for that morning. I still had thoughts about it all but the emotions attached to the thoughts were really mild compared to the previous day. My heart still hurt an awful lot though and I was still filled with anger so I knew I still had to deal with this. I was just not sure how.
You see, I had wanted to deal with all of this on my next retreat with Giselle but that is a few months away at least and apparently someone or something had other plans for this all. So Thursday night I did the next best thing. I called Diana, my best friend, and just had a nice talk with her. I felt better afterwards and had an ok nights sleep but still felt a little better this morning.
I have a medicine bag that Giselle gave me and I have been bringing it to work with me every day and on most days I will also take one of the stones out and carry it in my pocket. I generally take the one that wants to come, meaning the one that hops to the top of the bag when I am opening it. That has always been the Shaman Stone.
Today, it was a different stone. I actually grabbed my bag and said, “Ok who wants to come with me today” and then I reached in to grab and I was surprised when the Crazy Lace Agate stone was the one who came out.
I am just getting to know my stones so I was not sure what the properties of this stone were so I took out the card and boy was I surprised when I read it.
Crazy Lace Agate is the “Stone of Laughter”. It absorbs emotional pain and anger, gives the courage to make decisions and start over, its multiple layers can bring hidden information to light and it provides a sense of safety and dissolves internal tension.
Well knock me over with a feather, this could not be any more perfect. I read that and just smiled. Then I went into a speech to Blythe about how wonderful it is when you witness the Universe and or Spirit looking out for you or taking care of you.
Today has been a much better day for me. I know I still have a lot to deal with but I know I can do it. I also now know that I need to take some time to get to know my stones on a much more personal level.
I don’t know where this is all going or when and/or how I will actually deal with this trauma from so many years ago. I know that it all won’t just go away on its own or overnight, and I am pretty sure I still have some intense moments ahead with this, but what I do know is that I will survive it.
You just can’t predict the way things work.