Things were pretty intense a few weekends ago when I saw Giselle and the intensity has not subsided since I got home. I has been a tough few weeks for me. I have been home sick in bed for the last week. It is not the flu but I am not sure what it is. There is some sort of virus going around so it could be that.
I think whatever it is, it is affecting me more because of how intensely I seem to be feeling things lately. I have always been able to feel energy but all the work Giselle and I have been doing has been opening me up and I believe I am feeling the effects of that.
I have been up and down. I am feeling awfully weak physically and emotionally right now but that is not too surprising considering the week it has been fighting this illness.
I believe there is a fine line between crazy and sane and happy and depressed and I think I am walking that line in both cases. Some days I sway more to one side and other days I sway towards the other side.
There are some days where I have such clarity and then the next day I am fogged in confusion. I am trying to just let all these things flow and being conscious to not spend too much energy trying to figure it all out.
I am still thrilled to be walking this path and I will continue to fight whatever comes my way. I am doing my best to stay positive with it all.
One thing I am learning is that no matter how spiritual I am, there are still negative things creeping in to my life and my job is to handle them the proper way. I am still learning how to handle it all but I am taking positive steps every day.
I am learning to allow myself to feel bad, deal with the feelings and then send them on their way while not berating myself for having those feelings. Some of my preconceived notions are being tested and thrown out.
I can feel vibrations in me at times and they are a bit unnerving when they first arrive, but I am working on allowing them the space they need to do what ever it is they are doing.
The vibration is mostly centered in my heart, which is not a surprise after all I have learned so far and the work we have done. Yesterday I felt the vibration in my right big toe.
I really don’t know how to describe the sensation but as with everything else, it is intense. I think letting go and trusting is one of the hardest lessons I am learning through all of this.
I am not sure what deep inside me is still fighting this path but I feel the fight every day. Some days it manifests strongly and others it is just a small glimmer inside me. I will figure out what it is and I will deal with it and I know I will get to that point where the fight ends.
No matter what is thrown at me, I will continue this journey and I know that I will come out of it a much happier person than I have been in the past.
Someday soon I know I will view this intensity with a smile in my eyes and the confusion it brings will not affect me like it does now. Until then, I take it with gratitude for the lessons it is teaching me and what it is allowing me to see and feel.