I feel so weak, so strong
It’s the wildest ride I’ve ever been on
– Radney Foster (Sure Feels Right)
I went up to see Giselle again this past weekend and WOW, What A Wild Ride it was. This whole journey sure is something else. It was intense, and emotional, and beautiful, and simply magical.
Not sure if Giselle would totally agree with me and I am pretty sure utterly energetically draining would be on her list. Bless her heart for putting up with me and allowing me to go down whatever road I need to go down and holding sacred space for me no matter how it affects her.
How truly blessed I am to have this magical woman in my life, guiding me. Even when guiding means helping me stay upright while belting out Cabaret with such pure joy and emotion! What a beautiful moment that was.
She told me this weekend that I have been awfully kind and generous with my words on the blog about her and I told her she gives me reason to be. I guess it is a two way street.
I am still pretty worn out from the weekend. I am not sure why, but it took its toll on me. I guess all of the feeling things so intensely just has me tired. I have always known that I feel things intensely but this weekend was amped up.
Emotions seemed to just flow through me with ease and it seemed like my tear ducts were just freely open for business. Of course my day Friday started out with tears before I even left to head up North, so I guess it was inevitable.
One of the stray cats at work, my favorite one, was on death’s doorstep when I arrived at work. I am sad to say that I did not have the strength to put her out of her misery, but luckily my co-workers are a little stronger, or maybe they were just being nice to me, as I sat at my desk and cried. Either way, precious, little Chocolate Starfish was sent off to the Heavens.
There were many very cool things that happened over the weekend. I have a lot that needs to be processed but I have learned that the best way for me to deal with that is to just let it all marinate and process in its own time. When I try to consciously process I just end up confusing myself.
One morning when I was coming back in from outside I stopped right by the bookshelf. It wasn’t really a conscious decision, it just was. I was scanning the books and one just kind of jumped out at me so I picked it up and decided to sit down and read some of it.
By the second paragraph I was crying. I don’t know why, I mean I was reading the forward, but it just touched me. It was like I could feel the energy of the book and just knew it was meant for me.
After Giselle came out and saw me reading it, she told me how a friend loaned the book to her. She explained that earlier in the week she was going to see the friend so she grabbed the book to return it, but then she thought, No, Cheryl is coming this weekend and I think I want to show the book to her. So she put it back on the shelf. Then before she could tell me about it, I found it on my own.
I don’t think I will ever stop being amazed at how the Universe works. It is thrilling how things work when you open your heart and just accept. Opening my heart, and/or accepting me as my heart was a big theme over the weekend. Or more accurately, that is the theme of my life right now.
All of this up and down, flowing emotions, intense feeling, and interesting discovery is certainly keeping me on my toes. I made a discovery this weekend that I am not happy about. I have always thought of myself as a non-judgmental person, but it turns out that is not the case. I learned that I judge people in ways that I was not even aware of. Yep, new thing for me to change. I did apologize in prayer to the people I have judged over the years.
Opening myself up to the true me is not always a bed of roses. I am beyond thrilled to be doing it and I know it is terrific for me but it certainly has its surprises. Of course, if there were no surprises I suppose I wouldn’t really be needing to do all of this.
Each time I see Giselle, I am not sure what to expect and am always surprised by something that happens but I am just doing my best to take it all in stride and work with it. It is terrifying and exciting at the same time.
I had a definite connect with Mother Earth moment that was truly magical. I had a not pleasant physical reaction to some of the spiritual stuff we were doing. In fact, I had that happen twice during the weekend. Then I had another moment where I connected with the beauty of everything and that was, well, beautiful.
Like I said, things were felt very intensely and my emotions were wide open. I know I surprise Giselle with the way I react to things. Hell, I surprise myself too. i still have a long way to go, but I am farther along now than I was 3 months ago, so at least I am moving forward.
It may be a bumpy ride, full of twists and turns and unforeseen stuff but I am strapped in, hanging on tight and ready and willing to see where it leads.